How to Choose and Reinforce Boundaries for Better Relationships
How do yours measure up?
Table of Contents
- Why Boundaries Matter
- Undefined Boundaries
- Clear Boundaries
- How to Tell When a Boundary is Needed
- Developing Your Own Boundaries
- Enforce Your Boundaries (Respectfully)
Boundaries are the divide between what we want and what others may want of us. Every person has their own set of boundaries, tailor-made based on their needs, wants and responsibilities.
While many people find it uncomfortable to enforce them, healthy boundaries are the foundation of better, more sustainable relationships.
Why Boundaries Matter
Good boundaries are here to protect you from physical and emotional burnout. Without boundaries, you’ll find yourself saying “yes” to everyone else’s requests. Exhaustion and resentment eventually rear their ugly heads and you’ll soon find yourself unable to manage.
Maintaining your boundaries will also defend your identity and independence. This is especially true when it comes to work-life balance. If work is constantly infringing on your relationships and leisure time, your overall quality of life can really take a hit.
Boundaries act as a safeguard against excessive stress. Less stress means fewer stress hormones and stress-related symptoms wearing you down. The next time you feel guilty about setting a boundary remember, your physical and mental health depends on you sticking to your guns.
Undefined Boundaries
Perhaps you haven’t explored what boundaries you want in your life yet. If this is the case, your boundaries may be a little shaky. Undefined boundaries have telltale signs. Do you recognize any of these in yourself?
-Excessive people-pleasing.
-Feeling unable to tell someone “no.”
-Becoming entwined in other people’s issues.
-Disclosing too much personal information at inappropriate times
Clear Boundaries
Clearly defined boundaries make things less confusing for everyone. They tell other people how you wish to be treated and what you can realistically offer them. Clear boundaries look something like this:
-Believing your point-of-view matters.
-Being aware of what your wants and needs are.
-Taking responsibility for expressing your wants and needs.
-Respecting other people’s boundaries, even if you don’t agree.
-A mindful, balanced approach to disclosing your personal experiences.
-Asking for clarity or permission if you’re unsure about the other person’s boundaries.
How to Tell When a Boundary is Needed
If you come away from an interaction feeling worse than before, that’s a pretty good indicator a boundary has been violated. Anxiety, anger and feeling drained are common emotional reactions to this.
Your body will let you know when something’s not quite right. Physical symptoms can pop up out of the blue. Stomach pain, increased heart rate, tension in your muscles and your throat constricting could be your body trying to communicate.
Trust that gut feeling. It’s time to put up a boundary.
Developing Your Own Boundaries
Your boundaries could be slightly different for each situation you are in. For example, you might dish out personal details about your life with your spouse that you would never dream of disclosing to a coworker.
When someone else irks you, take a moment to figure out what boundary that person crossed by diving into your values and personality. Did you feel drained by that chatty person because you are an introvert? Were you frustrated by needing to explain yourself when the other person wouldn’t take “no” for an answer?
Consider who you are based on your experiences and values to get a sense of where you end and others begin.
This outline will give you a head start as you explore what influences your choice of boundaries:
-Your religion.
-Personality traits.
-Personal experiences.
-The people closest to you.
-Where and with who you grew up.
-The race and culture you identify with.
As you hone in on the boundaries that suit you best, keep in mind what you are entitled to:
You can decline over-the-top requests.
You deserve to be spoken to with respect.
Your needs are as important as the needs of others.
You’re allowed to forgive yourself for mistakes made.
You’re allowed to say “no” without carrying guilt for that decision.
Now that you have a grasp of what matters to you, try to stick to your boundaries. Consistently communicate what you can or can’t do for others based on your values and rights.
Enforce Your Boundaries (Respectfully)
Communicating your boundaries can feel uncomfortable. This is normal when people first begin sticking to their boundaries and you will find it gets easier with time. Feel good about enforcing your boundaries clearly by following a few simple guidelines:
Say “no” firmly but respectfully.
Consistently enforce the same boundaries, over and over.
Accept the discomfort you may feel when you turn down a request.
Reframe your boundary as an “I” statement rather than an accusation.
Ask a friend or counsellor for help if you are struggling with boundaries.
Don’t wait to be asked; take initiative and politely let the other person know if something isn’t working for you.
Boundaries Are for Everyone
Boundaries help us take care of ourselves. They give us a path to communicate how we wish to be treated by those around us.
Remember that you are responsible for you. Invest in yourself by mindfully choosing your own set of boundaries and choose to respect the boundaries of others, regardless of if you agree with them or not.
