How Toxic Relationships Start

They’re great…at first.

Photo by Adrien King on Unsplash

The term “toxic” in this article is used to describe damaging behaviours or a person who regularly uses them to hurt another person’s mental, emotional and physical well-being.

Toxic relationships don’t start out that way. The person may seem fun, interesting and like they “get” you. But as time goes on, hurtful behaviours begin leaking through until, at last, you’re asking yourself, “How did we end up here?”

The road to destructive relationships begins not only with the presence of a toxic person, but with our own unresolved struggles. Self-doubt, feeling unworthy and having a high tolerance for toxic behaviours will increase your vulnerability to unhealthy people.

If you’re wondering why toxic people keep showing up in your life, it can help to learn where your attraction to them (and them to you) comes from in the first place.

Why Do Toxic People Keep Showing Up in My Life?

Let’s take a closer look at the six ways a toxic relationship can start:

1. You’re drawn to people who replay unhealthy but familiar experiences. If a caretaker or family member modeled toxic habits when you were young, it could be a struggle to distinguish what is acceptable and what is harmful in your relationships. A familiar — though unhealthy — dynamic may feel comfortable or “right.”
2. Each person’s unhealthy habit amplifies the other’s. A toxic match can form when people with “complimentary” vices get together. For example, someone who is entitled may really hit it off (at first) with a date who has low self-esteem. People who often follow the “caretaker” role in their relationships may be attracted to a person struggling with addiction. Over time, each person’s personal issues magnify or enable the other’s, culminating in a toxic situation.
3. The two of you are simply not compatible. Your sense of humour offends them. They’re blunt and you’re more sensitive. Your conflicting values cause endless fights. Whatever it is, some people just aren’t able to foster a healthy long-term connection with one another.
4. You have low self-esteem. When you do not believe you are as worthy as others, you are more vulnerable to toxic people. Low self-worth might cause you to minimize abuse from others or to put up with maltreatment long enough for a relationship to progress, rather than ending the toxic relationship ASAP.
5. You sense this person won’t accept you, so you hide or try to change. You can already tell the other person will reject your true self. But instead of phasing them out of your life, you try to pivot towards what they’d prefer. Hiding or trying to change yourself to gain approval will only set you up for a toxic future with a person who doesn’t accept you for you.
6. The relationship moves along way too fast. A fast-paced relationship puts you at risk of missing possible red flags as you haven’t had enough time or space to get to know one another. It’s especially easy to miss or dismiss the warning signs in the early “honeymoon” stages of a relationship.

Recognizing Red Flags in Toxic People

One helpful way to avoid toxic relationships is to learn to recognize red flags. You can protect yourself by steering clear when you notice these toxic patterns of behaviour. If you find that someone makes the following their norm, tread with caution:

• They try to control you or others.
• In their eyes, it’s always someone else’s fault.
• They focus on the negative and criticize often.
• You sense they may be trying to manipulate you.
• You find them using emotional coercion to sway you.
• They behave inconsiderately towards others. (You’re next!)
• You notice they speak as though they are entitled to special treatment.
• They dismiss your individuality and attempt to merge you into their own identity.

Perhaps you feel the need for further confirmation of the person’s toxicity. You may find it useful to check in on how you’re feeling when with this person. Try asking yourself a series of questions about your personal experiences:

How do I feel about myself when I’m spending time with this person?

Does this person bring out the best in me or are my worst traits coming to the surface when we’re together?

Do I feel exhausted or worse about myself after seeing this person?

Does this person encourage me to go after new goals and to grow?

When we are together, are the activities we do good for my well being?

If your answers suggest that time spent together does you more harm than good, it could be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Avoiding Toxic Relationships Through Personal Growth

Building up a strong sense of self-worth can help you recognize toxic people sooner. Once you understand that you deserve respect, you’ll have the confidence to walk away the next time someone treats you badly. You become a healthier human when you prioritize your self-awareness through:

Knowing yourself.

Foster self-respect by learning about your own insecurities and being conscious of how they may blind you to “red flags.” This is no easy task. You may want to reach out to a counsellor to guide you, especially if you know your struggles are rooted in childhood experiences.

No longer dismissing toxic behaviour.

Don’t glaze over or dismiss abusive traits in the other person. Yes, we’ve all said or done hurtful things, but when it becomes a pattern, it’s best to accept that you deserve better.

Approaching new relationships with openness and transparency.

Be honest with the other person about what you like and who you are. Don’t try to change for them. Accept that they may reject you. It’s always better to suss out those who won’t and those who will accept the true you before investing time into a relationship.

Being mindful.

Be mindful of how you’re feeling during and after time spent with another person. Is it hurting or helping when you interact? If things are negative more often than not, it may be healthy to put distance between the two of you.

In conclusion

Toxic relationships start when we meet someone who makes a habit of using behaviours that are harmful to us. At the time, we may be unable to recognize the danger.

Recognizing red flags and acknowledging how your own insecurities may blind you to them is key to avoiding unhealthy relationships.

By learning to value who you are, toxic behaviours will no longer feel acceptable, and you will be less likely to tolerate abuse when it arises. To summarize:

• Acknowledge the insecurities which may attract you to the wrong people.
• Ask yourself, “Is this relationship causing more harm than good?”
• Healthy self-esteem will protect you from toxic relationships.
• Learn what red flags are and how to recognize them.
• Be honest and direct about who you are.